Borderlands

This is going to fucking rock. Witness the following facts:

1.) It's made by Gearbox, who are fucking wicked

2.) It has the largest number of guns ever included in any game

3.) It's cell shaded

4.) It looks a bit like Fallout 3, but it's a proper shooter

You can't fucking argue with that. It's going to kick you in your pathetic face for not being good enough to look at it, that's how fucking good it is.

Dead Rising 2

Apparently this isn't being shown at e3 because of Swine Flu, which suggests that the disease has some fucking terrifying side effects I'm not aware of. Still, it's been far too long since there was a really good game with propert zombies, so I'm pissing myself for this one.

Lego Rock Band

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the fucking stupidest thing in the world. It's branding and franchise worship coming to it's natural conclusion: A fucking inter IP gang bang resulting in this retarded shit.

Publisher #1: Hey people like lego, the lego games sell well and prove that there's a market for games aimed at retards who can't play proper games.

Publisher #2: You mean kids?

Publisher #1: Yeah, that's what we'll say, it's for kids. And people love rock band because they're too retarded to play real instruments.

Publisher #2: And, whilst it's not much easier than playing a real instrument and in the time you have to invest to be good at it you could learn to play a real instrument, in this the results are instant.

Publisher #1: Those retards will fucking love this. I've got another idea by the way.

Publisher #2: Yeah?

Publisher #1: Yeah, it's like FIFA, but we let people vote for who wins and the loser gets Swine Flu from princess Diana.

Publisher #2: That's fucking genius, it's even better than when you wrote and directed Blade 2.



Fucking retarded.

PSP Go!

So the leaks are pretty much confirming the worst kept secret in the history of the universe, the PSP Go. Basically it's a smalled PSP with no UMD drive and 16GB of storage for downloading games. Oh and Bluetooth.

Sound's shit? It doesn't fix a whole lot of the PSP's problems (massive ass screen which gets scratched up to shit by anything you have in your pockets, even if it's cotton wool, and a shitty analogue stick), plus it seems a lot of the games will still come out on disc and they're still going to support the old PSP. It's fucking handsome though:

Superman's allegiance with satan

I can't extoll the virtues of Superdickery enough, as far as I'm concerned it's the funniest website of all time. However, a disturbing trend has become apparent to me upon browsing their archives recently.

What begins with dressing up as satan, quickly seems to progress to "accidentally" getting turned into something which looks a lot like satan.

Then Lois get's involved, signing deals with satan and, eventually, marrying him.

All of which seems to inexorably lead to what we see below, the route cause of Superman being, in general, a massive bastard:

New Metal Gear?

The countdown on Kojima's website has finished and revealed a few pictures, one of what looks like Big Boss and one of what looks like Raiden.

Upon closer inspection, the Big Boss dude's beret has a new, previously unseen logo on it and so he might not be big boss. Speculation is rife that it's not Raiden either as the eyes are the wrong colour and the face is more effeminate (previously considered an impossibility).

Kojima has said he's directing it, there will be two games, one PSP and one for PS3. What this proves is that Konami clearly have some sort of explosive device embedded in his scrotum which they threaten to detonate whenever he tries to stop making metal gear games.

Robots in really shit disguise

Whilst looking at this supercool Sockwave toy I found a link to the most magnificently retarded Transformer of all time. Look at this dude and try to guess what he turns into:



You can click it too see. Seriously, who the fuck would want that? Not the toy obviously, because that's awesome. But imagine that poor bastard at Transformer school.

Molyneux preparing to spout retarded shit again

Apparently Peter Molyneux is going to be doing an exclusive presentation at Microsofts e3 conference. No doubt he will reveal a game which ACTUALLY PERFECTLY SIMULATES an entire economy and will LITERALLY fellate you, which will turn out to be a copy of monopoly which you play with a desperate tramp/hooker.

http://www.eurogamer.net/articles/molyneux-reveal-during-ms-e3-conference

Toy Story 3

"Toy Story 3 is coming but John Lasseter won't be the director, Lee Unkrich will helm it with Tom Hanks and Tim Allen returning as the voices of Woody and Buzz Lightyear.

Unkrich co-directed Toy Story 2, Monsters, Inc. and Finding Nemo but has never before been sole helmer on a Pixar film. Michael Arndt, Oscar-nominated screenwriter of Little Miss Sunshine, is writing the script.

Walt Disney plans to debut new Disney Digital 3-D versions of Toy Story on October 2nd 2009 and Toy Story 2 on February 12th, 2010. Both of these are being newly converted to 3-D in advance of the June 18th 2010 release of Toy Story 3, which is being produced as a 3-D motion picture.

In converting Toy Story and Toy Story 2 to state-of-the-art 3-D films, the technical team is retrieving all of the original digital elements and rebuilding them in 3-D.

Michael Keaton will voice the role of Ken (as in Barbie’s boyfriend Ken). The story follows the toys as they are dumped in a day-care center after Andy leaves for College."

I'm Virtually ejaculating. The "so little in it it's fucking pointless except to over excite you, you fucking man-child" trailer is here:

http://www.comingsoon.net/news/movienews.php?id=55894

Sonic & SEGA All-Stars Racing

If this is good then it will be mario kart for the 360 and ps3 and we can all squeal with joy. Of course, this is Sega so it might be fucking shite. But it's made by Sumo who made the new Outrun games, which fucking rock.

The press release says it is "no ordinary racing game!" and that its "huge variety of characters and vehicles, plus the ability to play both online and off set it apart from other games of this type" which sounds exactly like fucking mario kart, though that's not a bad thing at all.







That last image has me fucking sold. If they mess this shit up I'll go to fucking Sega HQ and forcibly piss myself at them.

e3 returns

e3 starts today and promises to suck significantly less than it has for the last few years, hopefully there'll be lots of decent stuff announced. Conferences start on the 2nd I believe.